I didn't give up faith, I'm pretty proud of that
But there were times so rough I had many doubts

This life is full of ups and downs
Try to trade a smile for my frown
I'm just trying to hang on
I know with you I can be strong

You're so good to me,
Patient when I don't believe
I'm climbing out of this dark, lonely hole
Moving towards the light is my only goal

This is known as “the most wonderful time of year,” but it is not so wonderful for those who are spending their first Christmas single after a failed marriage.  8 years ago, I spent my first Christmas alone after filing for divorce, and it was not easy.  I didn’t want anything to do with couples, love, or “perfect” Mormon families.  And it’s not because I wasn’t happy for the success and joy of those I cared about.  The reality of my new situation (single again at 23 with an 18 –month old) was even more difficult to face during this season of love, family, and joy.  Seeing the happiness of others caused my heart to physically hurt and was a painful reminder of “what could have been”.

If this is your first Christmas single again, I have 5 simple steps to surviving- and maybe even enjoying this holiday season.

1. Unplug.  This is a good time to take a little hiatus from social media.  Unless you are mentally and emotionally prepared to see pictures of “perfect” families celebrating a “perfect” Christmas, save yourself the heartache and just don’t go there.  Be sure to change your notification settings so you won’t be tempted to log in.  And think twice before you open all the Christmas cards you have received- there’s another place where a flood of “holy jolly” families will prompt you to think about the life you used to love.
2. Buy YOURSELF a gift.  “On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me…. a divorce that I wasn’t expecting.”  I like to joke that the best gifts I have ever received are ones I have given myself.  I learned to buy gift for myself after my first Christmas single when nothing I wanted was under the tree.   The next day, I bought myself a massage and it was just what I needed!  You could even wrap your gift and put it under the tree- that way you are guaranteed to open a gift you will love!
3. Start a new tradition.  Whether you are clinging to the old traditions to keep the past alive or kicking the old traditions to the curb to forget previous years, it’s time to start a new tradition.  Choose something that you know you will enjoy.  Bowling on Christmas Eve, decking the halls of your house with homemade decorations, or host a white elephant gift party or cookie exchange.
4. Cry it out.  Don’t try to put on a happy face every second and pretend that everything is perfect, because let’s face it- life is nowhere near perfect right now.  You are probably no stranger to tears; it has been a rough and trying year that has likely caused you to be more emotional than ever, making your nose resemble that of a certain reindeer.  Your first Christmas alone is going to be hard no matter what you do, so I’m giving you permission to be angry, and get upset.  You didn’t want this, this isn’t where you are “supposed” to be, and it’s not fair.  After a good cry, let out all your frustrations by journaling your feelings. 
5. Forget yourself.  It’s easy to get wrapped up in the commercialization of Christmas and forget that this is a time to celebrate the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ.  What gift will you give Him this Christmas?  I suggest finding opportunities to serve your friends and neighbors.  Invite the missionaries over for Christmas dinner, sing Christmas carol’s at a nursing home, or volunteer to help serve a meal at a local homeless shelter.  As you focus on these activities, you will forget (even if just for a moment) that you, too are suffering.

However you choose to ‘rock’ around the Christmas tree this season, I hope you will find a glimpse of happiness.  I will be thinking of you and praying that God will ease your burden.  Life will get better, easier, and more manageable, I promise.  And by following these simple steps, you will find your “Silent Night” and be closer to a life free from the pain of the past.

© Cami Sullivan
Supporting Divorced Christian Women with Faith
​A Plan For Happiness